Thank you for the A2A Anisa! You happened to ask the right person, since I “might” have one or two of those!
The quick answer is this: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
Control freaks have a secret they don’t want you to know. Want me to tell you? Shhh don’t tell anyone, ok? They have loads and loads of anxiety because they feel out of control. Yeah, isn’t it weird? They act like bullies, but they are filled with anxiety, which is, in essence, fear. So what they do is they strong-arm people into doing what they think they need them do to in order for them to feel like they have control over the situation. But it’s all an illusion anyway. You are not responsible for their anxiety or fear. You don’t want to freak them out, of course, but you can’t shoulder the burden of their panic! Fuck that shit.
There are a few truths I have adopted as sort of “relationship policies” that might help you as well. It’s not exactly a manifesto, but some really helpful guidelines and rules of thumb when it comes to those really super challenging people that you can’t seem to extricate yourself from.
- Takers don’t like boundaries, so it’s up to givers to set them, and enforce them.
- You can’t use logic and reason to explain things to people who are irrational and unreasonable.
- Never sacrifice your needs for the conveniences of others.
- If someone asks you a question, you are not obligated to answer.
- If someone is awful to you they are probably awful to other people (so don’t take it personally)
- If someone talks about others behind their back to you, be assured they are talking about you too
- Don’t share personal things about your life with people who are inclined to hurt you
- Whether you do what “they” like or don’t like, they will be no more, or less, angry with you. How they respond is not your responsibility.
I think most are self explanatory, but I want to say a little about the last one.
If you have to walk on eggshells to keep someone happy and calm, you have to look at th