Ok, You posed a number of questions here. There also are a number of ways to help this situation. Find one that works for you. I'll run through one model.
- You are running a mental tape of someone who criticized you when young. If you close your eyes and listen to the voice as well as feel what it used to be like, most of the time you can detect who programmed it.
- The obsessive component means it has been going on awhile. There is a high likelihood that you are depressed. Medication is something you should talk to your physician or other appropriate health care person about. It is used to stabilize your system and stop your downward spiral. If your biology is out of whack, you won't be able to get your emotional, rational, and spiritual selves in sync and work together.
- There is a likelihood, when your resources are low, is when you get an alarm that you are detecting as suicide. In submarines, it is when you are running out of air and need to surface. If you feel you have lost too much energy to help yourself, there are people who are very skilled at this and would love to help you get back to the surface.
- Once you are stable, then it is time to find how to not have that particular process start up again, even when you are stressed. If you have put this off too long, they will probably recommend dry dock for awhile to patch you up, continuing with a nautical metaphor. That is, in a supportive environment while they get the ship/body stable, so you can go back out to sea in it.
- To repair the original programs, you will need to find someone who is skilled at changing the old command tapes from your authority figures. Then you can have your on-board-computer now work for you, instead of them.
- Sometimes I ask patients, If they bought a new car with that voice module and it started saying, "Hey ASS H**L, I see you didn't put your seatbelt on." Or , "You dumb S**T, you let the gas get low." Or, "Hey stupid, you haven't checked the oil lately have you." What would you be doing? Reaching under that dash to find and pull out that module. Why? Because it's insulting to you as a human. That racket in your head is doing the same thing. That is why a lot of people use drugs, to chemically poison that voice module.
- Now here is the tricky aspect. The part that is being critical, thinks it is doing its job properly. Why?because long ago, that is how somebody motivated you and programmed it into your brain. That part is like a eprom. Erasable Programmable Read Only Memory. You have to get into your source code, to reprogram it.
It is guarded. You cannot attack it logically because it was not programmed originally with logic. It was your experience. That is why affirmation books help, but don't really work. So to get into the correct room, you have to come in the back door with imagination. That is; use images and throw them up on your mental screen, so the emotional side will record them as an experience. You are probably putting up negative ones now. Here is a cool thing. Your body can't tell the difference between a real and a made up experience.
Get the correct file. All of them leave foot prints and you can follow them to their source. If you can replicate the emotion, you are opening the file. When the file is triggered, you have to have someone help plug in the kind of experience that will help you be nice or kind to yourself. That should be ready to go if it comes from the heart and is your truth. Who I really am, not what I adapted to. Almost all my hypnotism is to deprogram people from their original care givers, so they can quit performing and get back to being who they really are.
Change the voice module. Sometimes by having it sound like a sultry woman, it dramatically alters the impact. Sometimes I have it sound like Donald Duck and immediately they are free from it's verbal grip. It is your equipment now and your tapes, so set them up to enhance your life rather than just slamming you.
Set up some rituals that are healthy and life affirming, whether it is a support group, going for a morning run, getting a cup of coffee and reading something inspirational, meditating, doing yoga or Tai Chi. But something to help stabalize you and center yourself every day.
Asking yourself; "What is the point of what I am doing?"
I know this note is simplistic, but start. Life is precious, so don't squander what is rightfully yours. Joseph Campbell said we must follow our bliss, to be whole.
Go for it. Get some help with the basics and clean up your program, so you can be who you are supposed to. That typically is a journey on the inside to dis-cover who we are. Stop the harangue in your head and the static clears up.
I found this poem the other day by John O'Donohue which touched me. I hope it finds a place in your heart too.
A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
— from To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings, by John O'Donohue