Why do I hate myself and how do I stop? I have near constant obsessive, self loathing thoughts, sometimes coupled with suicidal ideation. These thoughts come and go and sometimes I have days without them.

Ok, You posed a number of questions here. There also are a number of ways to help this situation. Find one that works for you. I'll run through one model.

  • You are running a mental tape of someone who criticized you when young. If you close your eyes and listen to the voice as well as feel what it used to be like, most of the time you can detect who programmed it.
  • The obsessive component means it has been going on awhile. There is a high likelihood that you are depressed. Medication is something you should talk to your physician or other appropriate health care person about. It is used to stabilize your system and stop your downward spiral. If your biology is out of whack, you won't be able to get your emotional, rational, and spiritual selves in sync and work together.
  • There is a likelihood, when your resources are low, is when you get an alarm that you are detecting as suicide. In submarines, it is when you are running out of air and need to surface. If you feel you have lost too much energy to help yourself, there are people who are very skilled at this and would love to help you get back to the surface.
  • Once you are stable, then it is time to find how to not have that particular process start up again, even when you are stressed. If you have put this off too long, they will probably recommend dry dock for awhile to patch you up, continuing with a nautical metaphor. That is, in a supportive environment while they get the ship/body stable, so you can go back out to sea in it.
  • To repair the original programs, you will need to find someone who is skilled at changing the old command tapes from your authority figures. Then you can have your on-board-computer now work for you, instead of them.
  • Sometimes I ask patients, If they bought a new car with that voice module and it started saying, "Hey ASS H**L, I see you didn't put your seatbelt on." Or , "You dumb S**T, you let the gas get low." Or, "Hey stupid, you haven't checked the oil lately have you." What would you be doing? Reaching under that dash to find and pull out that module. Why? Because it's insulting to you as a human. That racket in your head is doing the same thing. That is why a lot of people use drugs, to chemically poison that voice module.
  • Now here is the tricky aspect. The part that is being critical, thinks it is doing its job properly. Why?because long ago, that is how somebody motivated you and programmed it into your brain. That part is like a eprom. Erasable Programmable Read Only Memory. You have to get into your source code, to reprogram it.

1st problem,
It is guarded. You cannot attack it logically because it was not programmed originally with logic. It was your experience. That is why affirmation books help, but don't really work. So to get into the correct room, you have to come in the back door with imagination. That is; use images and throw them up on your mental screen, so the emotional side will record them as an experience. You are probably putting up negative ones now. Here is a cool thing. Your body can't tell the difference between a real and a made up experience. 

2nd
Get the correct file. All of them leave foot prints and you can follow them to their source. If you can replicate the emotion, you are opening the file. When the file is triggered, you have to have someone help plug in the kind of experience that will help you be nice or kind to yourself. That should be ready to go if it comes from the heart and is your truth. Who I really am, not what I adapted to. Almost all my hypnotism is to deprogram people from their original care givers, so they can quit performing and get back to being who they really are.

3rd
Change the voice module. Sometimes by having it sound like a sultry woman, it dramatically alters the impact. Sometimes I have it sound like Donald Duck and immediately they are free from it's verbal grip. It is your equipment now and your tapes, so set them up to enhance your life rather than just slamming you.

4th
Set up some rituals that are healthy and life affirming, whether it is a support group, going for a morning run, getting a cup of coffee and reading something inspirational, meditating, doing yoga or Tai Chi. But something to help stabalize you and center yourself every day.

Asking yourself; "What is the point of what I am doing?"

I know this note is simplistic, but start. Life is precious, so don't squander what is rightfully yours. Joseph Campbell said we must follow our bliss, to be whole.

5th
Go for it. Get some help with the basics and clean up your program, so you can be who you are supposed to. That typically is a journey on the inside to dis-cover who we are. Stop the harangue in your head and the static clears up. 

Blessings

Edit:
I found this poem the other day by John O'Donohue which touched me. I hope it finds a place in your heart too.

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

— from To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings, by John O'Donohue

19 Replies to “Why do I hate myself and how do I stop? I have near constant obsessive, self loathing thoughts, sometimes coupled with suicidal ideation. These thoughts come and go and sometimes I have days without them.”

  1. By realizing there is no such thing called as 'hating yourself'. How can you hate yourself? Which is the 'you' that is doing the hating? And which is the 'you' that is being hated? Aren't they the same? Can you bite your own teeth? Why split yourself?

    What you are experiencing rather, is a conflict. A conflict between who you ARE and who you THINK you should be. It is not love or hate here. Its a conflict. And a conflict arises when there is non-acceptance. ACCEPT. Its when you LET GO of who you think you should be, that who you are becomes clear. And inner peace begins with acceptance.

    Acceptance does not mean, assuming something is perfect or beyond improvement. It simply means to be comfortable with the present. At present. Be present. It is only when you accept something completely, that it begins to change. You are how you are. For a reason. Your "flaws" are probably perfect for the heart that is meant to love you. 

    I wish you peace and light!

  2. I tend to share your general preference for my own company and I'm 50 years older than you Murat!  Personally, with my much longer life experience (more about that in a moment), I believe your question is wrong Murat.  (I'm also speaking to Alicia Lee here too.)

    What I mean is that you are allowing social conventions to dictate how you feel.  Yes, it is more "normal" for a person to be more gregarious than we are but that DOESN"T mean it's mandatory!  If we take our feelings to an extreme and allow ourselves to become hermits where the only interaction we have with other people is with the check-out chick at the supermarket and saying a polite but brief "Hello" to our neighbour if we happen to see each other over the fence does that make us wrong?  I don't believe so.  It just makes us different.

    Typically, human beings (homo sapiens) are gregarious creatures and so, when, occasionally, one isn't, that one almost automatically gets a sort of guilt complex about not "conforming."  However, I want to suggest that that "guilt complex" actually originates with ourselves rather than other people.  No one else really cares whether we want to interact on anything more than a "social politeness" level or not. 

    Some people are naturally shy and therefore tend to keep a low profile socially.  Is that "wrong"?  Of course not.  In fact, I believe it is just as possible for a person to be overly gregarious to the point where they become a pain-in-the-neck – and, surprisingly, there isn't nearly such a big gap between those people and us.  It's just that the only way they know to overcome their shyness is to put on a big act and, over time, that act has taken over their life so that it has become their new persona.

    The real point in this discussion actually comes down to two basic questions that you need to answer to yourself.
    1.  Who am I primarily responsible to – especially when it comes to making that person happy?  and…
    2.  Is the way I live my life achieving that goal?

    The answer to the first question MUST be yourself.  That may sound selfish but let me share something that everyone witnesses every time they take a commercial flight.  Before take-off, the cabin crew go through a safety drill where they demonstrate what will happen in cases of emergency and one of the things they always stress is that adults ALWAYS ensure their own safety before even attempting to help anyone else (children, old or infirm people).  Why is this?  Because they are going to be a lot more use to those needing help if their own security is already dealt with.  Yes, most people do have duties to other people (parents, grandparents, children, siblings, colleagues and friends) but their FIRST duty is always to themselves because, if that duty is neglected, what use are they to all those other people?

    The answer to the second question should, by now, be self-evident.  From the way your question is asked (and your comment Alicia) I would say that the answer to question 2 might be "No".  So please note carefully the wording of the question – "Is the way I live MY life achieving that goal?"  No one else can live our lives for us!  But there is, perhaps, another question that may have occurred to you as you have read what I've written. That is….
    3.  Does the way I live my live adversely affect anyone else?  And that doesn't mean does the fact that you prefer your quiet, private lifestyle materially or psychologically bothers other people.  That would be THEIR problem – not yours.  For many years I have said, "If someone has a problem with me, it's their problem, not mine and I refuse to wear it!" and I can say that because I know that I never do anything purposely intended to upset or disadvantage another person.  In other words, if they have a problem with my life choices, they don't have to agree with them – less still, share them.

    Earlier, I said I'd say more about life experience.  What IS life experience?  Well, it is more than just experience.  It is more what you learn from the experiences that you have through your life.  When I was a young sales representative, I called on a professional person who was, I would say, close to retirement and, as I was demonstrating a new product that would, undoubtedly, have made his job a lot easier, he said to me, "I've got 40 years experience in this profession son!  What do I need that for?"  Because the nature of his profession was such that it demanded he display his work in a showroom, I looked around at his work on display and, without stopping to think (remember, I was young!), I said, "No you haven't!  You've got one year's experience 40 times!"  and immediately wished I'd been more prudent!  The point of telling this little story is to illustrate that some people go through life learning next to nothing and feeling guilty about feeling "comfortable" about it.

    I have been married twice and, whilst both marriages had their enjoyable – even blissful – moments, with that experience to make a comparison, I have realised that I am much better off living alone.  Yes, I'm totally selfish.  I get out of bed when I want to, I eat what and when I want to, I go where I want to, I watch whatever I want to watch on TV (and don't have to put up with all that "girly" soap opera crap).  When the local entertainment store had a sale recently and offered an 80" Smart 3D TV at a ridiculously low price (still in the thousands though), I just bought one.  A friend saw it and was immediately impressed (who wouldn't have been?) so I told him about the special.  But he hasn't got one because his wife flatly refused to allow him to spend that much money on entertainment.  I don't have that problem!  I don't drink much and I certainly don't smoke or do drugs.  I potter in my garden when I feel like it.  And yes, occasionally I crave a loving hug (and maybe a bit more) from a member of the opposite sex.  I may be 72 but I'm a man and I still have red blood in my veins.  I have never wanted that so much that I've been tempted to send out for "takeaway" (if you know what I mean! LOL) so I suppose the occasional yearning isn't all that strong.

    As soon as you become someone's mate, companion, spouse or even just a house or flatmate though, there is another person n your life that must be considered in every decision you make.  OK, you have company but it's a trade-off.  Only you can determine whether the trade is a good one for YOU or not.  Do you want to sacrifice your independence for a relationship that may or may not last (and, given your natural disposition for solitude, the latter is inevitably more likely)?  Only you can answer that question.

    And, of course, if you are the introverted type of person you appear to be, actually getting out there and meeting someone could well be more effort than you are prepared to invest (or waste – depending on how you look at it).  We all have "our space" – some people's spaces are miles across whilst others (like us maybe) are just a few metres.  It doesn't matter what size your space it.  What matters is that it's yours!  You let in who you want and you exclude who you don't want and you don't have to justify your choices.  Your space may, for example, include your work colleagues (who you have come to know over time of having to deal with them) but not everyone you meet during your life.  Unless you are unfortunate to have a dysfunctional family, your circle probably includes your close relatives.  However, when you go to your own home and close the door behind you, none of those people have any influence on what you do unless you let them.  And why should you let them?

    You say you're not shy so there seems to be no reason why you can't (as they say) "put yourself out there" and go where you can meet girls.  You see, you are not a single-faceted person.  Like everyone else on this Earth, you have many, many facets.  You are a complex living organism and, even for yourself, you are not easy to understand.  Hey, Buddy, you're not alone!

    Get up tomorrow morning and say, "It's a beautiful day and it's going to be beautiful all day!" regardless of whether it is pouring with rain of freezing cold or whatever.  The day you have will be YOUR day.  Will you let other people determine how YOUR day turns out?  I hope not!  Sure, some days will have set-backs and how you react to them will determine whether they are big ones or just hinderances.

    On June 4th 2013, my almost 40-year-old son, Clinton went to hid doctor about a headache he was having difficulty getting rid of and was told that he had a GBM brain tumour and required immediate surgery that might prolong his life long enough for him to meet his baby daughter who was due in November – but not much longer.  So he had the surgery which involved them removing the whole back of his skull, removing the tumour along with some of his brain and stapling him back together followed by radiation and chemotherapy.  All of this time, I never saw my son shed a tear (I did though!) and he just said, "Well, Dad, I'm gonna fight this with everything I've got.  It's all I can do.  I've got a family to think about and I wany my little girl to know her daddy!"

    It is now 16 months since Clint his surgery and he is back at work (where he has had a promotion because he earned it – not as a sympathy gesture).  He had his third three-monthly MRI scan last week and his oncologist told him that, if he has three more scans like it, he will make world headlines in the medical press because there is no trace of cancer in him!  HIs baby daughter, Poppy had her first birthday the day after his scan and I'm still not sure which was the biggest celebration.

    My point in sharing this is just to illustrate that, in my opinion, we underestimate the power of our own minds.  I think Clint is cured because he decided to be.  In the same way, you can decide what you want in your life.  If you are an inherently decent person, you are, in the end, answerable to NO ONE but yourself because, as a decent person, it would be abhorrent for you to behave in ways that would disadvantage those you come into contact with.  In fact, I would say (from experience) that the only person you are prepared to disadvantage is yourself in efforts to conform with what you think others expect of you.  Well, my friend, remember the airline safety drill and look after yourself first and that will better enable you to "look after" (i.e:-please) others because you will be contented.

    Let me ask you Murat, do you really hate yourself or would it be more accurate to say that you simply dislike some aspects of yourself?  There's a huge difference my friend!  If, on serious reflection, your answer to this question is more toward the latter, then let me tell you, you ain't alone buddy!  Anyone who tells you that there is absolutely nothing about temself that they don't like is either blatantly lying or kidding themself!  NO ONE is perfect! (except me, of course — LOL Just joking!!!)  If you hated yourself, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself (think about that) and you clearly are.

    There is a very well-known old prayer that is just as valid even if you're an atheist as it is if you're deeply religious that goes like this….
    "Lord, please give me the courage to change those things I don't like about myself, the strength and ability to live with the things I can't change and the wisdom to know the difference!"

  3. I agree with everyone else on the need to seek out professional help, swiftly. The most effective method for most people is a combination of talk therapy and medication. Bear in mind that not every medication works on everyone, and some unlucky people may not be able to find any medication that helps them (or if they do find one, struggle with side effects.) No matter what, there's likely to be some trial and error involved. The sooner you get started, the better.

    At the very least, getting a medical diagnosis and embarking on treatment can be helpful in and of itself. A lot of people find that placing their problems in a medical context removes the moral judgment aspect of their condition. Instead of thinking, "I'm a terrible person for not being able to get it together," you start thinking of yourself as a patient with an illness, unlucky perhaps, but not to blame. Think of your brain as just another organ of your body. You wouldn't blame yourself if you had an illness of your pancreas or liver; your brain is no different.

    Outside of the shrink's office, there are some steps you can take to feel better about yourself. One is just to exercise. I don't necessarily mean going to the gym or running marathons, that's a lot to ask of a depressed person. I recommend going for long walks outside, preferably with a specific destination in mind. Like, pick somewhere that you'd normally drive to and walk instead. Your body wasn't made for sitting around, it was made for traveling under its own power, and it feels good to be using it that way.

    Another way to feel better is to help other people. Help little kids learn to read. Bring meals to shut-ins. Carry an elderly neighbor's groceries and packages up the stairs for them. Volunteering is a really reliable dopamine shot, a way to get out of the house and out of your head, a way to put your problems in perspective.

    I've found a lot of solace over the years in learning about science, especially evolutionary biology. The more I learn about the brain, the less I believe in free will, and that's really helped me be less judgmental. Depression usually takes the form of blaming yourself too much for things. If no one has free will, no one is to blame for anything. That attitude hasn't made me an amoral sociopath; quite the opposite. Thinking of humanity as a bunch of monkeys in a zoo of our own inadvertent making has made me a lot more compassionate, both towards myself and others.

    Good luck. Keep reaching out to people, online and face to face. More people have been where you are than you'd think.

  4. What To Do When You Hate Yourself

    It’s so tragic to hear someone say I hate myself.

    But down deep, many people do.

    It seems there are so many things in this world that attack our self-esteem and sense of worth. Some people, perhaps even you, are locked in their own personal jail, full of self-loathing, desperately wanting to get out, but not believing they can.

    Have you ever heard someone say they hate themselves?

    It might seem like they are just crying out for attention. But many times, it’s a very honest evaluation of how miserable someone feels about himself or herself, even if it sounds exaggerated or overly dramatic.

    Anonymous described her self-hatred like this: For a while I hated myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be in this world. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and weird. I wished I could have been someone else.

    So why do people hate themselves? We took a poll on my website, and asked what reasons you might have had to hate yourself. The majority of people said it was something about their appearance, followed closely by I didn’t feel loved, and then I failed at a relationship. Each of these could be their own articles! For now, let’s examine what I see to be some of the greatest causes of self-hate.

    When bad things happen, the worst thing you can do is spiral down into self-pity.

    Life is Exhausting – And Wears Us Down

    When bad things happen, we often blame ourselves. It’s easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred and suck the very life out of us. This can leave us depleted of any kind of self-worth or love.

    When bad things happen, we blame ourselves. It’s easy to let this blame turn into self-hatred.

    Anonymous wrote: I hated myself for a while and wished I could just disappear. I felt that I wasn’t worth anything and wondered why anyone would want to waste their time on me.

    Sometimes self-hate is nothing more than emotional exhaustion. It’s important to remember that painful, challenging, and hard times are going to happen. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and get some rest. You will look much better to yourself when you are rested.

    Rejection or Abandonment

    Everyone will experience rejection of some sort. It’s normal. But it’s difficult. Not everybody is going to love you, or accept you.

    But it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and that you should hate yourself because of it.

    Not everybody is going to love you, or accept you. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

    Anonymous wrote: I used to live consumed with thoughts about what everybody else was thinking about me. I felt like people were constantly rejecting me. I imagined all the worst things, even though there was no way of actually knowing what people were thinking. I had to quit, or else I’d go crazy.

    Sometimes when people experience rejection or abandonment, they turn the responsibility onto themselves, as if they are the ones who caused the pain. Don’t let what other people think about you determine what you think of yourself. The freedom you experience when you let go of this burden, like Tom did, will give you great joy. He’s right, it’s not worth going crazy over something you really can’t control.

    Thinking Bad Thoughts about Yourself

    Thinking poorly about yourself is is kind of like self-rejection. You see something about yourself that you think is stupid or ugly and you think criticizing yourself about it will somehow make it go away. It won’t. It will actually make it worse. A lot of people feel ugly. Or fat. Or inadequate. It’s like the whole human race suffers from deep, low self-esteem.

    Anonymous wrote: I hate who I’ve become. I know there is a hardworking, honest, skinny person inside me somewhere, but most of the time I think about how far to the negative I’ve come, then get even angrier at myself for not working harder to become the person I know I can be.

    The Fight Against Self-Hate

    The fight against self-hate is an on-going battle in all of us. Some struggle with it more than others. But it seems to always be there working in the shadows, waiting to pounce on us, and take us down. One thought that has helped me in this struggle is God’s love for me.

    Why should I hate someone God loves so much?

    I ask myself, Why should I hate someone God loves so much? Why should I slap Him across the face? He’s the one who made me, and He did it for a very special reason. There is no one else in the whole world who is just like you or me. Isn’t that incredible? That person YOU is worth loving.

    There’s no one else in the whole world who’s just like you or me. That person YOU is worth loving.

    ———————— How to like the more of the inner you ————————

    1) Decide what you want to change about yourself

    Nobody can make you love you other than you! It’s your responsibility to rearrange your thinking away from all the negative stuff you’ve been thinking, and think more positive thoughts about yourself. It’s often been said, “If I think better, I will act better. And if I act better, I will feel better.”

    Anonymous wrote: I’ve found that sometimes our greatest enemy is ourselves. And the way we think can hurt worse than any words. And when left with nothing but your own thoughts, and if those thoughts are negative, self hate is born. It takes a real effort to turn negative self-defeating thoughts into positive life-changing ones. But try it! And if you stick with it, you soon will see you’re feeling better about yourself.

    If you don’t like something about yourself that you can actuallychange, start to do that today.

    2) Figure out what you CAN change and do it!

    If you don’t like something about yourself that you can actually change, start to do that today. Maybe you don’t like your weight you can start eating properly, and getting exercise TODAY! Get involved with a sport or a favorite hobby. You’ll be amazed how good it makes you feel to take care of yourself.

    Don’t obsess over what you think are your flaws. Work on what you can change, and ask God to help you accept the rest. Create the healthy life you desire (and deserve!) some people get trapped living miserable lives, not realizing they have the ability to change their situation. Don’t get stuck in that trap!

    3) Build up your self-esteem

    Make a list of your 10 best qualities.

    Can’t think of 10? There are more than you think, but try starting with one. For example, I am a loyal friend or I care about others, or I am in touch with how I feel, or I have a lot to offer my friends, or I am a good listener, etc.

    Then add to the list.

    Find out what your friends and family value about you. You might be surprised to find out what the people who love you see in you! As you begin to dwell on the good things you offer, your confidence will grow.

    Others will take note of it because you will have made yourself more attractive. Betsy wrote: Since I stood up for something, people started to respect me and I was able to find confidence in myself. You can’t please everyone, so focus on making yourself proud before you expect anyone else to be proud of you.

    Each day, find something to do that makes you feel proud of yourself. Discover the things you love, try new things, go new places. Make some short-term and long-term goals.

    Decide that you will never say the words, “I Hate Myself” ever again. Those words are toxic. Why hate yourself? When in reality there is a lot in you worth loving.

    4) Use gratitude as a weapon against self-hatred

    You will find people who dwell on the positive things in their life…things for which they are grateful, are usually much happier than those who don’t.

    Negative thoughts, mixed with worry, make a person miserable to live with.

    So if you are tired of hearing the same old, negative thoughts, make a daily list of the things you are grateful for, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your attitude begins to change.

    Challenge yourself to reflect each day for just a minute or two about what you feel grateful for that day…maybe it was delicious pancakes for breakfast, a smile from a friend, nice weather, could be something as simple as the color of the grass, or a good grade on a quiz. It doesn’t have to be what you know you should be thankful for, but something that you actually feel grateful for.

    5) Remember God loves you

    The most powerful way to overcome self-hate is to focus on God’s love. After all, if God loves you, and He does with all of your faults and hurts, it should make it easier for us to accept ourselves. Let God change what He wants to change, and you’ll feel much better about your life.

    God made you very unique. And it’s this uniqueness that makes you special.

    Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!

    Anonymous wrote: It’s very easy to find reasons to believe I am of no value to anyone, or to God. But I am of value because God loves me, even if no one else does.As you start believing in yourself more, you’ll have more good days than bad. It’s easy to find the negative, so look for the positive in each situation. And most importantly, keep your faith in God this will help lead you to the happiness you seek. Please stop hating someone God loves so much. YOU!!

    P.S – 1)What to Do When you Hate Yourself

    2)5 Things to Think and Do When you Hate Yourself

    I hope it helps….

  5. I understand you entirely. This is why people used to quote "We can love others easily but when it comes to loving ourselves, it is near impossible". One of the many reasons in a long list is that we do not spare enough time to reflect on our strengths and achievements. Many of us are just too busy with studies and career. Try taking time to list down your own strengths. For instance, you can have something like generosity, good-tempered, etc. in your list. Reflect on your pass achievements and compliments collected from people you've met so far. With this, you will start appreciating yourself better.
    In some cases, people tend to hate themselves when they compare themselves with others who they think are better than themselves. Sometimes, we just need to be grateful with what we have/ what we can achieve. For example, if you got an 80 marks in an exam, do not compare it with those of 90 marks and above. 80 marks is already above satisfactory and at this point of view, think of the people who are unable to achieve what you got despite how much effort they put in. Humans are different thus known as a unique species. Someone who is better than us in one aspect may not be better than us in another. If you think you have this characteristic, try to motivate yourself to alter your perspectives towards it.
    Additionally, it is also proven that certain group of people hate themselves for not being able to reach their planned target. When you're setting goals for yourself, make sure that it is realistic, practical and achievable. For instance, a small business company sets a 'must reach' goal of USD 2 million in the year 2017. Practically, it is not achievable since it is a small company. In other words, everyone has their limits. As long as we reach our respective cloud in the sky, we should be thankful and start appreciating ourselves.
    Love yourself because there's no one on earth who can love you to the maximum of 100% besides yourself. If people can love you to the moon and back, why not you love yourself to the Sun and back? Sounds a little funny but hope you got my message! 😉

  6. Sorry about that.  It's a shame that you've suffered so much.  

    It sounds like you have some serious self-esteem problems, and a fair amount of confusion about your own psychology.    But, you're asking the wrong question, sort of.  "Why?"    Do you really want an explanation?  Or wouldn't you rather have a solution?

    An explanation is fairly easy:  you have automated psychological systems which define, protect, repair, and validate your sense of self.    Sometimes these systems don't work very well, and your self-image gets badly distorted, and you get tangled up in "feedback loops" where you judge yourself harshly and try to change, but because you have no faith in yourself, you don't really believe anything can change, and so forth.

    It gets to be a tangled mess of spaghetti — thoughts and feelings, complex reactions that try to control each other, despair and confusion.   It's as if there's a machine malfunctioning, and it's supposed to repair itself, but can't figure out where the blueprints are, eh?

    It's actually a mistake to spend too much energy trying to figure out the machine.   If you can just get that the machine is complicated, that sometimes it malfunctions, and that trying to fix it often makes things worse… then you're able to check off that box:  "why?"

    So then, here's the next part: even if the machine were working perfectly, you'd still have a problem — even the people with wonderful self-images have this problem:   self-image is not true self.     The machine isn't actually able to tell you who you are… it might make a very nice self-concept for someone, but that isn't true self.    It's just the way things work — the machine makes self-concepts, but it doesn't know squat about true self.

    Rather than try to fix the machine and get it to produce a better self-concept, you'd be much better off by learning to "observe, acknowledge, and let go".    That means that you notice what your thoughts and feelings are doing, you tell the truth about them, but you don't react to them and add more chaos to the chaos.  

    So for example, if you go to a party, and you come home feeling like you're an anti-social clod, your job would be to just notice those thoughts and feelings, in detail, and acknowledge them:  "everyone else at the party had fun except for me, and I think it's because I'm a boring person" — or whatever.   It's just thoughts and feelings, and you're taking inventory of them, like a scientist studying a lab rat.   Neutral, non-judgmental, focusing on careful observation rather than judgment and reaction.

    That's "observe and acknowledge".   The "let go" part is different:  to let it go means to let go of thinking that it means something about you.   Since the machine is not able to tell you your true self, nothing that it says is truly meaningful, and if you don't fall into believing its voices, that's "letting go".   "Ok, there it goes again, it's saying I'm no good."  You nod, but you don't react and take it seriously.

    That letting go is much easier if you start to get a clue about true self.   That's the next piece of this puzzle:  what you really want is an alternative way to answer "who am I?"   A "ground of being" which isn't just more of that noise in your head from the machine — a way to recognize yourself that isn't just the self-centered, reactive, anxiety-driven interpretations of the psychological mechanisms.

    That alternative starts to show up when you're willing to serve something greater than yourself.   In particular, the "greater than yourself" things are values.   Values are the universal goods that make life worth living — love and truth, freedom and justice, joy and compassion, etc.   Values are like light that spreads out over the whole town, they don't belong to any one person, but everyone benefits and everyone contributes, potentially.    When you are interested in making more love, or in serving the cause of justice, then you are serving something bigger than your ego… its as if the values put in a phone call to true self and say "hey, wake up! there's something that needs your attention here."

    You aren't just an isolated lump of proteins glued to bones.   You're part of a community called "humanity".   You belong to humanity — but to see that, you have to serve the values that make being human worthwhile.   You have to put your shoulder to the wheel that turns the whole circus, and say to yourself "yes, I will push on what's good to make it move."  

    You don't have to be perfect, you don't even need "high self-esteem".   You just need to see that you can push, and want to be a part of that… because that's what makes life richer for everyone.

    Oddly, if you do that for a while, and then go look in the mirror, you might find that your original problem seems distant and hard to recall.   Maybe.

  7. The very fact that you have recognized and caught the "other you" red handed is half the road.

    The human brain likes doing things that it is habituated to do. From a neuro-scienctific  point of view the things that you do most frequently end up changing the weights in the neural network comprising your brain making that kind of behavior more likely to occur in the future.  Bottom line? Negative thinking will cause the neurons in your brain to wire in such a way so that it is more and more easier for negative thoughts to occur in your head.

    The good news is this. If it is a habit, it can be broken. Every time you catch yourself thinking deprecatingly about yourself, start forcefully having positive thoughts. Depending on your rigorousness with the above exercise you will very soon see a change in the pattern of your thinking.

    Check out  Learned optimism.

    Learned optimism is the idea in positive psychology that a talent for joy, like any other, can be cultivated. It is contrasted with learned helplessness. Learning optimism is done by consciously challenging any negative self talk.

    Good luck.

  8. Why you hate yourself is not important as to what to do about it. Often times, individuals find themselves in a bad spot. How they got there could be influenced by genetics, life events, childhood upbringing, and/or current relationships (family, friends, work). Rather then focusing on the why's, invest your energies into changing thoughts and behaviors that are allowing you to struggle. 

    I would suggest looking for patterns in these thoughts.  When, where and with whom do they occur? If you journal your thoughts you will see patterns that emerge and start changing them.  Recognize negative thoughts.  Challenge and replace the thoughts with more productive one's.  The sooner you recognize and head off these thoughts, the better off you will be.

    Also, recognize behavior that may be contributing to your plight.  An example of this could be: isolating, socializing with negative peers, drinking or drug use, or other self defeating behavior.  If there is a behavior that reinforces your belief that you deserve to die, you clearly need to change that behavior.  It is not unusual for a person to feel bad about himself and then engage in a behavior that reinforces this belief.

    Recognize that you did not get in this position overnight.  It is important to understand you need to take control over your life.  If you feel overwhelmed by this concept, I would recommend seeking out assistance.  This assistance could be through your doctor, a therapist, religious institution, and/or a psychiatrist.

  9. I too used to be in your boat. Hated myself to a cringe-worthy and inappropriate extent. There are way too many insecure people living their lives waging an internal war within their minds, despising themselves- almost always for no good reason whatsoever.

    "Why do I think this way?": In the rare case of a mental health disorder, please talk to your doctor. If the factors are not biological, they are most likely social or cultural.
    Who taught you to hate?
    Over time, your environment composed of parents, siblings, teachers, 'friends', strangers, and media can strongly influence your self-concept. And so, you condition a habitual thought pattern about your worth and esteem, into a looking-glass self or a self-fulfilling prophecy. You (sub)consciously believe their words and actions, thereby treating yourself in a similar or worse manner.

    However, your self-confidence is exactly what it is: YOURS. Yours alone to work on and beautify, never the negative opinion of others!

    "How can I stop?": If you are capable of hating yourself… you are also capable of loving yourself. Our thoughts clearly affect our mood. Be self aware: do you sound like your worst critic… or your best friend? If you'd never say such horrible, hateful words to somebody you love, why think the same about someone as precious as yourself?

    LOVE yourself first. Be kind and gentle to yourself, I challenge you to treat yourself even better than your loved ones. You are STUCK with yourself 24/7/365, so might as well host yourself in an excellent, loving company for a lifetime to come! The #1 most important relationship that matters throughout your whole entire life is not with your significant other, parents, or friends… It's the bond you have with YOURSELF (and with God! Don't mind the brackets, atheists ;P). The ways you perceive and treat yourself in spite of personal circumstances dictate the quality of your life. We need to be our own best friends, our own mothers who are always there for us (because you are literally always there with yourself..) to hug, kiss, and counsel when pain inevitably arises. Not abuse, kick down, and self-loathe into unnecessary misery and suicidal ideations.

    Self-Love leads to self-confidence, an independent and robust happiness, enhanced relationships, saner careers, clearer educational goals, lowered stress, ETC. Positivity accrues positivity. End the self-hate with self-love.

    Hope that helps. 😀 <3 All the best to you to love the best you!

  10. Suicidal ideation must be addressed immediately, since it can be deadly. Please report your feelings to a psychiatrist or other trained mental health professional. If you have limited finances, look for a free clinic in your area offering mental health support.

    Outside of the suicidal ideation, your question sounds like just the sort of problem that transcending would help with.

    Transcending  is a mental technique that reduces the activity of the mind, producing a  deep state of restful alertness that eliminates the stresses that have  accumulated in our nervous system over many years of living in a  stressful society.

    By eliminating our internal stresses,  transcending naturally produces peace, happiness, dynamic activity,  intelligence, creativity, the ability to give and receive love, and  productivity at work.

    Transcending is non-religious, easy to learn, and easy to practice. It takes only a few minutes sitting in a chair twice a day.

    Transcending is taught in a course. The best-known courses are Transcendental Meditation (TM, at http://www.tm.org) and Natural Stress Relief (NSR, at http://www.nsrusa.org).

  11. Because you can't accept who you are.  You've already acknowledged that you have a situation where you may not be seeing yourself in the best light. But acknowledging you need to work through some stuff is the first step towards not hating yourself.

    Next, accept who you are, where you are in your life and how you got there.  If you've got serious mental issues go on and seek help.  There isn't really much you could say or do that hasn't been done in this world before.

    Then make a conscious effort to change.  Find someone who can keep you accountable for the change and who won't judge you for whatever it is you're going through.

    Most importantly stop being the judge, jury, and executioner of yourself and your self esteem.  Every day is a new day to do something better and to make a change.  Life is short, the best thing you can be is significant in it.  Instead of hating yourself and the world, go and change it. 

    Change your thoughts, change your words, change your actions, then watch the rest of the world change for you.

  12. Do you know people who get in a bad mood, and then react to others in harsh ways because of that bad mood? When people prefer their own company, they don't have anyone to lash out at. So they turn on themselves. I'm an introvert, too. I am happiest when alone, or with one other person.

    You are right that it is harder to meet a potential partner, especially at school, when you keep to yourself. I use services like OKCupid to find like-minded people because the metrics help you measure personality traits: but even this relies on how willing potential dates are to network online.

    Sometimes it is easier to "be social" when there's a point to the socializing. Rather than going to dance classes or bars and clubs, where you would be expected to mingle, sometimes student organizations that focus on a topic you are passionate about can connect with you people who might have a similar lifestyle. A smaller student group that meets to discuss literature, or organizes events to raise awareness for social justice, might provide the structure you would need so that you have a task to focus on that doesn't drain you.

    I still prefer being home, myself, even though I can see the benefit to being involved in my community. And at this point in my life, I don't want a boyfriend. Because I like having my personal space. Relationships don't bring the acceptance and happiness that we assume they should. And I was much happier when I decided that I didn't need the pressure of finding a partner.

    Take time to reflect on WHY you prefer being alone. If you mostly prefer activities that are one-person only (such as reading, studying, creating artwork) then you may simply be a very individualistic, independent personality. If you prefer to stay home because most people bore or annoy you, then maybe you could benefit from seeking guidance on how to relate to others better – it would help you in a future romantic relationship, as well as with future colleagues and with family. But if you stay home because being with other people is tiring and because being alone is more comfortable, that could be a sign that you should look for help.

    You don't sound like you have a problem, though, aside from being too hard on yourself. Every day that goes by that you haven't met your partner yet, another day passes that gives you the opportunity to grow as a man, to be a better person for your future spouse.

    Good luck.

  13. You’re the one who is the most qualified to answer “why” you hate yourself and “why” you think this way. It seems you know what the problem is, as you’ve identified obsessive, self-loathing thoughts that are sometimes coupled with suicidal ideation.

    These problems are best explored with the help of a therapist in a face-to-face counseling setting. They tend not to go away on their own and require professional intervention and help. You’re motivated to stop them, and that’s a good sign. You want them to knock it off so you can get to a better place—a better head-space.

    Additionally, the why of these things is secondary to stopping them. We on the internet could only guess as to the whys, and maybe you can only guess, too. What’s far more important is getting help to stop. You need and deserve support through this.

    While you can try to learn thought-stopping techniques and other Cognitive Behavioral interventions, the suicidal ideation is a cause for concern and requires professional help. Now. Call for counseling services the very next thing you do.

    All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

    1. Invest on development of brain/mind, read good quality books.
    2. Cut down entertainment time & increase infotainment.
    3. Give more time to topics of your interest, see more videos on you tube & surf on internet. Every day your knowledge should go on increasing.
    4. Learn Pranayama, yoga & meditation. It gives positive energy & improves concentration.
    5. Develop attitude of gratitude & positive thinking.
    6. Maintain healthy life style.
    7. Do regular exercise.
    8. Radiate only positive energy through thoughts, words & action. Remember whatever you radiate to this world, similar reaction will come back to you.
    9. Be more ethical & do spiritual nourishment.
    10. Learn self motivation technique.

    Self-motivation comes from our soul.

    • Our mind tells us to take necessary steps for success & happiness.
    • But problem with many peoples is that instead of positive thoughts, they get negative thoughts.
    • Peoples don’t know how to remove negative thoughts & sow positive thoughts.
    • Basically we have two minds one is conscious mind & other is subconscious mind.
    • Subconscious mind is very powerful, when anything goes to subconscious mind, it can physically change neurons in our brains.
    • Subconscious mind controls our body, it works like a computer program.
    • Do you know who controls our heart, digestion, lungs etc. It is our subconscious mind.
    • Now the biggest challenge is to do mind programming.
    • For this you should refer my books & read chapter on mind programming, law of attraction,Control subconscious mind,sharpen your brain etc.
    • Please visit following links & refer my books on Amazon store.
    • These books can change your life & destiny. If you implement those skills. Please post a positive review on Amazon.

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  14. The journey of a girl who was born with an extremely rare congenital disease to becoming a girl who is now a famous motivational speaker in America is inspirational for both parents and for every youngster.

    Lizzie Velásquez, who was born prematurely, with an extremely rare congenital disease, which had lots of symptoms one of which was that she can’t gain weight. When she was born the doctor told her parents, “she may never be able to walk, talk or think”. In this case, many parents will not even accept the baby, but Lizzie parents decided to take her with them to home and to nurture her like a normal baby.

    Image Souce: Google

    Small height, less weight, has always made Lizzie look different than other kids, because of which she has often faced bully in school. One day when Lizzie came home, she was upset because kids always use to ignore and bully her, her parents told Lizzie only one thing that, “The only thing which makes you different than other kids is your weight, in every other way you are equal to them. You go and focus on your study properly, kids will start talking to you gradually”.

    Because of her different look, Lizzie has always faced many issues in life from bullying, teasing and body shaming, but one day an incident happened which shook her completely. She was browsing the internet and suddenly she saw a video on Youtube in which they displayed Lizzie photo and mentioned her as the World’s Ugliest Woman, she was just 17 at that time. She got shattered after watching that, she was so upset that she locked herself in a room and cried for hours that day. But, this event didn’t destroyed her but came as the turning point in her life. She decided that day that she will never let people tell her about her own identity. She told herself that no matter how tough the path will be, but she will complete her graduation, will become a motivational speaker, will write books and will live happily with her own family.

    She did all the hard work, burnt midnight oil, and did everything required for her to complete her goals. She completed her graduations, she is now a famous motivational speaker in America, she has written books. Her YouTube videos have received over 54 million views for TEDxAustinWomen Talk titled “How Do You Define Yourself”.

    In this world every other person is different in looks, height, weight, skin colour and this is something which make this world unique and beautiful. Never consider your physical appearence as your weakness. Never let people define what you are. What you think about yourself is the only important thing and not what others think about you.

    You start respecting yourself first and people will start respecting you automatically.

    Read More : Respect Yourself

  15. OK, the number 1 answer on this question provides one perspective. Let me provide a slightly contrasting viewpoint.

    Two of my sisters have been suicidally depressed at times. One attempted suicide three times.

    I can say first hand that our mother was loving and that our father never put forward criticism towards either.

    On the other hand anxiety and mood disorders run in the family – on both sides. So in our case, there's almost certainly a large genetic component.

    So it might have less to do with your parents, your friends, and your childhood than you might think, and more to do with your genes.

    Regardless of whether it's nature or nurture, treatment is ideal.

    Before I talk about that, you mentioned obsessive thoughts. My sisters also have co-morbid OCD, and so it's extraordinarily difficult for them to get unwanted thoughts out of their head unassisted.

    So how did they get treated?

    1) They're both on antidepressants now. Antidepressants lessen the severity and the frequency of negative thoughts. Remarkably they also help with OCD, so it's like killing two birds with one stone.

    2) They both went to cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT focuses on having you rethink negative thoughts. If someone was short with you, for example, you learn not to automatically assume that they dislike you, and instead allow for more possibilities. Maybe they were busy that day, for example. CBT also helps with OCD, but in your case your only obsession seems to be negativity, so I'm not sure you require specialized CBT for OCD.

    3) They both went therapists to talk about themselves and understand themselves better.

    After doing this, they are both doing extremely well and live relatively normal lives. One is with her boyfriend of five years, and one is doing well as well. I never hear either complain about suicidal thoughts – and OCD is largely vanquished and both their moods have improved.

    I might have given you a more subdued answer with some less aggressive treatment options, but you mention suicidal thoughts, and anything of that nature elevates the seriousness of your issue. That's why it may make sense to get professional help to put in place a treatment program to eradicate this issue for good.

  16. Have you heard of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain? I strongly recommend you read it.

    Like everyone said here, you clearly are an introvert. This book is the most thorough book I have read on the introverted people from multiple angles. It will help you understand yourself better.

    A few key points:

    1. This world advocates extroverts. Like it's only "normal" to be very social. It has historical and economical reasons. However half of the population is indeed introverted and many has achieved enormous success.
    2. Introverts have many advantages. To name a few: sensitivity, observation and focus. Introverts also have many challenges, which are all can be improved using the right strategy.
    3. Introverts require more down time due to biological reasons. This is not anti social however you need a plan on activity you should go and ignore the others. Basically decide on the trade offs.

    I am curious what is the main reason for you wanting a girlfriend. Are you lonely? Do you have close friends that you can talk to?

    As for the "hating yourself" part, I would go easy on myself. Accept the part that you don't like yourself and make peace with yourself. Everyone has moments that they don't like themselves. No biggie. Pick one thing you don't like yourself the most and make a plan for improvements. For example, if you want to meet more people, start by going to one activity, just one and don't feel guilty for not going to the others. When you are there, find one person that you find interesting and try make a good conversation with him/her. Again just one, then pat yourself on the shoulder for trying.

    The last thing I want to recommend is exercise, it does wonders to your body and moods.

    Thanks for A2A. I hope this helps.

  17. This is a simplified, yet very rigid psychological model that represents the process one goes through for each and every action one performs.

    How do you stop hating yourself?

    1. Each feeling is preceded by a thought. So, when you begin to feel bad, low, etc., try to identify the thought(s) you were just having.
    2. Each thought is preceded by an event. Remember: All events are neutral all the time. The difference with some events is that we give them false weight by subconsciously attributing philosophies/unresolved issues (whether we're aware of them or not) to those neutral events.
    3. Each event, as we've just covered, is preceded by a philosophy/unresolved issue. Again, we are not always aware of these philosophies. I'd go as far as to say that we very rarely are.

    Once you can begin to trace your feelings to thoughts, your thoughts to 'triggering' events and those events to your underlying philosophies, you'll be a lot better off in understanding who you are and why you feel certain ways.

    Granted, help always helps. You could theoretically do this on your own, but a support system is vital! Also, help yourself.

    1. Hang around with positive people. Strong people.
    2. Listen to upbeat music. Watch good TV/videos.
    3. When you have a negative thought, just tell yourself the Truth: that thought is not me. It does not define me. It is just a thought. I am strong and powerful.
    4. Smile a lot. Seriously. Faking a smile is hugely impactful. (Indeed, a real smile is preferred, but I'm talking about the "fakr it till you make it" moto). It's actually very easy to trick your brain. Smiling would make it think you're happy and it'll release hormones to make your body react appropriately. It's kind of a dumb machine lol

    Do everything you can to dig yourself out of this. To say "You're worth it!" would be an insult to how valuable you truly, sincerely are!

    I hope this helped!

  18. I thought about hanging myself once. You know. Wanted it to end pretty badly.

    I've failed to get any girl to go out with me through out school, remain a below average student and fail medical entrance exams twice.

    It was too much to bear and my life sucked.

    Then I traveled, met some awesome people, read some weird books and my life changed.

    Just like that!

    I stumbled upon a process that changed my life and I want you to take it with you.

    1…You're flawed!

    And everyone is flawed! I'm flawed too, I've little will, I'm an introvert and I was born into poverty.

    Nobody is perfect. You'll always have places in your life that you don't measure up, skills you lack, common sense that doesn't come naturally to you and things like that.

    And you have to feel it.

    You have to feel this sense of inadequacy that you're flawed.

    2…Then, you need to accept it.

    This is where all human freedom comes. You have to accept your flaws- social skills, love, money, family, looks etcetera.

    You have to accept it that you're this instrument poked full of holes but that you're enough.

    You're just like a flute. Ever hole is meant for a purpose.

    It's how you choose to use it that matters.

    I hear this a lot that we should just tell ourselves that we are enough. Truer words have never been spoken but you need to accept yourself before you can believe you're enough.

    Or else you'd be repeating bullshit to yourself that doesn't work.

    You are enough despite of your flaws to achieve your goals and live a wonderful life. And this is not a wishy washy motivation but the fact because

    3… Despite your flaws you can grow!

    You can choose to make a plan to act on your flaws and your gifts.

    You can build up your strength and erase some of your flaws like your social skills and looks.

    You can choose to work your ass off to become better than you are now.

    You can choose to become better because each flaw you have is a seed that can be turned into a blessing. And your strengths are ladders to greatness.

    Take someone like Chris gadner

    He had wasted most of his life stumbling from on job to another being mostly broke and uneducated. His wife left him with his only son and he had to live on less than what you would spend on Starbucks..

    He had every reason to hate himself…Christ he shouda killed himself and dropped his boy at an orphanage.

    But, Chris had a plan. He has will! A strength.

    He got into a stock broking company working with no pay. He had little negotiating skills so he worked off his ass to meet up. Forgoing good food and living on a penny.

    Working 3-4x the normal workers to reach his quota. Mind you he's about 40 with a kid and no money, his memory isn't as sharp as a young man's.

    But he worked to build his skill. He grew into a business guru and went ahead to start his own company on his own work routine.

    He quickly became a success in a few years and sold his business for hundreds of millions of dollars.

    Now that's something right?

    Most of the greatest coaches in history are those who suffered to overcome a great flaw in their life. They chased a better way and they grew out of it to become stronger and better.

    You're enough.

    Your flaws are not a curse. It's a blessing that you can grow to become something admired by others.

    Read books, take courses, hire a coach, take a degree, intern under a genius. These are some of the few ways you can grow to be great.

    I don't know how your live your life but if you can take this simple process of self acceptance and keep growing..

    I bet it that you wouldn't hate yourself. You'd b tickled pink to be alive everyday.

    You'd live!

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